TITLE The Bastich By Hart
PANEL 1 (Solid black background with bold white text) HEADER TEXT: HOW TO BE A PRO AT YOUR FINAL EXAM BODY TEXT: Is anxiety about your finals bringing you down? Don't worry, it's PERFECTLY normal.
PANEL 2 (Bastich wears a lab coat in front of a neutral background) BASTICH: Hello, I am Bastich, and I feel your pain.
PANEL 3 (Close up on Bastich) BASTICH: Finals are the most savagely competitive and mindlessly violent time of the semester. That is why I have made it my personal mission to give you just that edge you need to survive..!
PANEL 4 (A group of scientists, also in lab coats, is working away in a lab. One is looking through a microscope while another is examining a test tube over her head. In the distance another scientist writes equations on a whiteboard and one more scientist is hanging from the ceiling) BASTICH: (Voiceover) Here at the Bastich Research Institute, we have our labs open around-the-clock, finding new and unique ways to make your campus-life easier...
PANEL 5 (Image of BRI products, including a coffee carafe attached to an IV and a clock with a button on the top with the word STOP) BASTICH: (Voiceover) ...Bringing you products like our patented Caffeine IV and the Osmosis 2000 Instant Learning System. Oh, and who could forget the Timestopper PXii - for those really tight deadlines..!
PANEL 6 (Back to Bastich, who is pointing to a banner displaying the BRI logo and contact information) BASTICH: So, if you find yourself saying things like: "what's so final about these exams if we keep having to take them?" then maybe you should look into our services, here at.. BANNER: The Bastich Research Institute. 1-800 LERN-NOW
CREDITS (c) 1995 Joshua Adam Hart
Commentary
At last, we have arrived at the end of 1995 and the Bastich's first semester in the pages of The Orion. I think I threw this one together at the last second while lumbering through my own closing-week studies. I'm not super-proud of this one, but on the plus side, it spoke to the audience's shared experiences better than my usual faire, and it's still dumb enough to be on-brand for THE BASTICH.