Golabutron 3000
The Bastich
Index

BRI

Originally published on Wednesday, December 13, 1995 in CSU Chico's The Orion student newspaper. View Archive Page.

Commentary

At last, we have arrived at the end of 1995 and the Bastich's first semester in the pages of The Orion. I think I threw this one together at the last second while lumbering through my own closing-week studies. I'm not super-proud of this one, but on the plus side, it spoke to the audience's shared experiences better than my usual faire, and it's still dumb enough to be on-brand for THE BASTICH.

Transcript

TITLE The Bastich By Hart

PANEL 1 (Solid black background with bold white text) HEADER TEXT: HOW TO BE A PRO AT YOUR FINAL EXAM BODY TEXT: Is anxiety about your finals bringing you down? Don't worry, it's PERFECTLY normal.

PANEL 2 (Bastich wears a lab coat in front of a neutral background) BASTICH: Hello, I am Bastich, and I feel your pain.

PANEL 3 (Close up on Bastich) BASTICH: Finals are the most savagely competitive and mindlessly violent time of the semester. That is why I have made it my personal mission to give you just that edge you need to survive..!

PANEL 4 (A group of scientists, also in lab coats, is working away in a lab. One is looking through a microscope while another is examining a test tube over her head. In the distance another scientist writes equations on a whiteboard and one more scientist is hanging from the ceiling) BASTICH: (Voiceover) Here at the Bastich Research Institute, we have our labs open around-the-clock, finding new and unique ways to make your campus-life easier...

PANEL 5 (Image of BRI products, including a coffee carafe attached to an IV and a clock with a button on the top with the word STOP) BASTICH: (Voiceover) ...Bringing you products like our patented Caffeine IV and the Osmosis 2000 Instant Learning System. Oh, and who could forget the Timestopper PXii - for those really tight deadlines..!

PANEL 6 (Back to Bastich, who is pointing to a banner displaying the BRI logo and contact information) BASTICH: So, if you find yourself saying things like: "what's so final about these exams if we keep having to take them?" then maybe you should look into our services, here at.. BANNER: The Bastich Research Institute. 1-800 LERN-NOW

CREDITS (c) 1995 Joshua Adam Hart